Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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