my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You made out with two different species that night
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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