I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
