Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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