Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
