burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize