Need sex. Gaining weight.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
