I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
