He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
