there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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