i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
