My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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