Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
