Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
