I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
