I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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