It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
