dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
