Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
