if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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