i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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