You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize