so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
