worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
