Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
