one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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