I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
