So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
