Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
