I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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