I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
