I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
