I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
The struggles of a small town man whore
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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