cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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