How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
