She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
