I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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