I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
