JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
