Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
