just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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