a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
