that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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