I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
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