how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
