Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
