Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
