Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize