My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
