There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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