i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
porn star boner night. come get it.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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