you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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