Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
