Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
