Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
