The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
