Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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