I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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