I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
