So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
