my room smells like sperm. sweet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
