I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
