he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
